Monthly Archives: September 2013

Leave Kiera Alone!!!: Or How to Save Kiera Knightley From Herself


Hey… remember how I have a blog? It’s been like six months since the last time I wrote in this thing. Crazy how time flies—especially when you’re being lazy!

Doubtless I should probably write something that details my experiences in starting a new job or moving to a new place…or I could just write about Kiera Knightley.

Yeah. I’m gonna write about Kiera Knightley.


She’s an interesting one, this girl. Mention her name and you’ll get some very strong reactions. People either love her—or, let’s be honest, mostly hate her.

I think the progression of this can pretty much be traced thus: When Bend It Like Beckham came out, the five people who saw it thought she was really great. But then almost overnight with a little indie film named Pirates of the Caribbean, she suddenly became a household name.


Then Pride and Prejudice happened. And those who might have still been on the fence were pushed into either ardently adoring—or passionately loathing—the Kier-ster. Some without ever having actually watched the film. Opinions seemed to be divided thus:

**“Theirs know way she can capture the complexety of Elizabeth Bennet! Shes so ugly!!! I h8 her!”

(youtube user SparklyCarniverousButterflies6)

**“Hottest. Chick. Ever. …. What’s this movie about, anyway? Is someone proud or something?”

(youtube user KieraKnightely=HotHotHot)

**“Hey, this might sound crazy, but I think that girl’s a dragon!”

(youtube user MongolCheryl)


From that point on, public opinion seems to have gone even further downhill concerning Miss Knightley. She’s too thin. She only does period drama films. She makes the same facial expression over and over again. She’s boring. She hunts puppies for sport. She must be stopped!

Kiera, I feel you. I, too, have been unjustly persecuted by those who were jealous of me (see previous blog post). It is the curse that we fabulously attractive and talented must bear. I’d be willing to bet that Hugh Jackman gets t.p.’d every night, and that Chris Hemsworth gets called a poo-poo head by his friends behind his back. That’s our lot, I’m afraid.

But because on top of being unjustly persecuted for my fabulousness, I also have managed to be wildly popular amongst my peers (up to six hits on my last blog post, folks!), let me bestow some wisdom  upon the fair Miss Knightley on how she can make herself more appealing to the masses. (You’re welcome in advance, Kiera.)

skinny bitches

Criticism # 1: She’s too thin.

I could see how this might be a genuine complaint since Hollywood is known for its ample, plus-sized women and Kiera Knightley frankly sticks out like a sore thumb. She also really doesn’t help herself by explaining that she just has a really high metabolism and that her body naturally looks that way. Kiera, Kiera, Kiera. If there’s anything the world hates more than a thin woman, it’s a thin woman who doesn’t have to work for it.

The answer is simple: Hire a paparazzi photographer to capture you at “candid” moments that showcase your battle with food: e.g. eating a piece of celery as a single tear rolls down your face; rubbing your stomach and dramatically exclaiming, ‘Me so hung-ee!’ (something like this ; longingly touching a bakery shop window as yet another lone tear rolls down your cheek. Then the conversation stops being ‘Kiera is so thin, who does she think she is???’ and starts to evolve into ‘who is keeping Kiera so hungry?’


The next step is to create a melodramatic villainous figure who hovers about the periphery of your red carpet premiers and public appearances, rubbing his hands together and narrowing his eyebrows menacingly. It won’t take long for people to put two and two together, and soon public outrage will demand that he be put away for his crimes. Next will come your heart-to-heart with Oprah about how hard it was to force this dastardly fellow out of your life and that you hope he gets the help he needs. Then a few years later, he can have a heart-to-heart with Oprah about what he’s learned about respecting women. Lone tears will abound. Everyone will win!

Criticism #2: She only does period drama films.


Well…that isn’t really true. Just a brief IMDB search shows that she’s done plenty of current-day films and even some theater, but no one goes to see that stuff. We only rush out to the cinema when she’s in a corset. In a way, it’s our fault, really—she’s a monster of our own creation.

The obvious answer to this is to do something really modern and mainstream. I’m just brainstorming here, but think about this… Kiera and Melissa McCarthy, twins who were separated at birth by a tsunami. One of them is a pop star, the other is a reformed vampire wanted for murder. It’s a romantic comedy, obviously. Channing Tatum is the private detective hired to bring them together, but things get complicated when he starts to fall in love—with both of them. (Love triangles! Those are really hot right now!) Halfway through the film you realize it’s actually a dream. Vin Diesel wakes up, covered in sweat; it’s all been a prequel for Fast and the Furious 7—until he’s killed by Batman. Boom. 5 gagillion dollars. You’re welcome.


Criticism # 3: She makes the same facial expression over and over again


I think we’re all forgetting that Kiera was the one to invent the duck face. Love it or hate it, she spawned an entire selfie movement the likes of which the world has never seen. So let’s at least give her some credit for that.

But I guess it might be time to move on and try a few new things, so I’m going to give you a little homework, Kier-Kier. Here are some facial moves you want to might want to try out for your next period drama book-to-film adaptation (I’m thinking Wuthering Heights? Something Dickens-y?)


Or this:

Or this:

will scream

Heathcliff’ll never know what hit ‘im!

Critcism # 4: She’s boring.


Kiera, Kiera, Kiera. You’re so alarmingly well-adjusted. Reports from your coworkers always seem to be that you’re “lovely to work with” and “a wonderful human being.” You show up on time and work really hard and are nice to the cast and crew alike.  You’ve never been arrested for a DUI or been caught making a racist remark. All your hair is still fully intact on your head and you’ve never damaged public property or punched a cameraman in the face. In fact, you never really seem to show up in the gossip magazines at all. What do you do with your time—work then go home and lead a normal life? Ugh. The worst! Hate her! Deserves to be lynched!

Look, Kiera, I’m gonna level with you. You’re gonna have to get a little crazy here. Unfortunately other people have already gone the route of baseball bats, publicly lambasting their exes, and going on misogynist rants, so those are taken. My advice? Do something really out of the box…like, puppets.


Think about it. You show up at your next red carpet premier…and there’s a puppet on your hand. You don’t draw attention to it. You don’t laugh or joke about it. This is just how things are. Kiera Knightley now comes with puppet. He’s there during your interviews, in the middle of your love scenes, in every paparazzi photo. He has different outfits depending on the occasion. Sometimes he likes to wear paislee, other days he’s more of a sweatpants kind of guy. His name is Susan, and he wants you to respect his life choices (Name that reference!!).

Peoples’ minds will be blown. Are you messing with them? Making some kind of political statement? Full-out crazy? They’ll have no idea…but your twitter followers will double overnight, guaranteed.

Critcism # 5: She hunts puppies for sport.


I’m gonna stick by Kiera with this one. Have you seen the way they run?? Hilarious! (Kidding! And for legal reasons, I must make clear that Kiera Knightley never has, and never will, hunt any kind of dog. Only dragons.)

Criticism # 6: She must be stopped.

lynch mob 2

Despite all of this really good advice, at the end of the day, there are always just going to be people who don’t like you. As my grandmother always says, haters gonna hate. So I guess my best advice to Kiera would be…just keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. Remember who you are. I am Spartacus.

And if I haven’t managed to convince you yet, here are just a few tidbits about Kiera that might make you warm to her a little more:

  • Kiera shares the same last name as one of the most beloved fictional characters of all time—Mr. Knightley’s brother, John Knightley! That guy is so great.
  • Kiera as Lizzie Bennet reacting to seeing Pemberley for the first time is one of the best things ever. Couldn’t find the clip on youtube, but here is a tiny, tiny picture.


  • Did you think it was weird that Elizabeth Swann and Captain Jack randomly started making out in the second Pirates movie when they seemed to have no romantic inclination toward each other in the first? Rumor has it that Kiera had it written into her contract that she got to mack on Johnny Depp. Written. Into. Her. Contract. She is my hero.