To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Elizabeth and I am very interested in the position of being your girlfriend. Just to let you know a little about myself, I am a Taurus, a middle child, and I do a mean Julie Andrews impression (Literally. She is always really mean in my impressions). I think I would make a great girlfriend and hope you will consider my application.
Throughout the years, I’ve been privileged to have some amazing dating experiences. Like the time the guy who’d just asked me on a date created a facebook event called “There’s A Party In My Pants and You’re Invited” and invited me to it. Or the guy who followed me home from the bus stop at midnight after I begrudgingly admitted I didn’t have a boyfriend and tried to follow me home again when I ran into him later at the grocery store. Or the time I went on a date with a guy the week before Christmas break and we made plans to do something when we got back but then he got engaged during the two-week interval of the holidays. So many memories. Best time of my life!
However, just on the off chance that there might be something to this whole “finding the one” thing, I’ve decided to take dating to the next step. As requested, I’ve uploaded my resume and three letters of recommendation.* Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions. I look forward to hearing from you.
(*I came up with this idea entirely on my own. Or, some friends were discussing it over dinner and I stole it and put it on my blog. One or the other.)
123 Love Dr. Love City USA
Cell Number: Buy Me Dinner First, You Beast!
OBJECTIVE: I am a moderately clean, somewhat funny, marginally attractive female seeking a boyfriend to kill spiders and move furniture. Excellent dish washer and Chinese food orderer. Will shower up to three times a week (negotiable).
- Quoting the Simpsons
- Figuring out who the murderer is before the end of the movie and yelling it out in a way that doesn’t ruin the experience but actually makes it better
- Making peanut butter Oreos
- Organizing your book/DVD shelf
- Laughing at your jokes (if they’re funny)
- Hogging the blankets, but in an adorable way
- Pretending to care about stuff you like (if it’s interesting)
- Tap dancing
Position: Stalker (2000-2014)
Supervisor: Hugh Jackman
Duties: Sending emails, making phone calls, pinning photographs and articles to my special Hugh-Tastic Board, searching his interviews for secret codes that prove he loves me, staking out his house, digging through trash.
Position: Snuggler (1994-present)
Organization: My Bed
Supervisor: Mr. Bear
Duties: Snuggling, cuddling, whispering secrets, hosting tea parties. Arranging stuffed animals in a comfortable position in case Toy Story is real and they come to life whenever I’m not in the room. (It could happen!!)
Position: Hot Girl (1985-present)
Supervisor: Your Eyes
Duties: Being hot, brushing my hair, glowing like a sunrise, giggling, taking selfies where I’m smiling with my mouth half-open, suppressing my personality.
- A stranger once sniffed the back of my head at a bus stop. So either my hair smells really good or the back of my hair is pretty dang hot. You tell me.
- The following pickup lines have been used on me:
“You’re so hot you make me want to turn to the dark side of the force.”
“I wish I could tell you how much I love how much you weigh.”
“Hey, white girl!”
- Not one but two people have mistaken me for an Olympic athlete.
- My parents think I’m really pretty.
References Included Below
February 2, 2014
To Ms. Gilliland,
This email is informing you that your recent request for a letter of reference from Hugh Jackman is in violation of your restraining order. Your next court hearing has been scheduled for February 14, 2014.** Any further contact will be used in evidence against you at that time.
Attorney at Law
(**Aww, Valentine’s Day!!)
To Whom It May Concern,
We are Elizabeth’s parents and we think she would make a very good girlfriend. She is a pretty good daughter, aside from her tendency to blame her farts on other people even though it was clearly her.
As mentioned in her resume, we both think Elizabeth is very pretty. Well, she added the ‘very.’ I think our exact words were “You’re kind of pretty in that one picture we took that time, where your face is half-blocked by your sister.” That’s probably the best picture she’s ever taken.
Having been Elizabeth’s parents ever since she was born, we can safely say that she cries a lot less than she used to but has become much more verbally abusive. Good luck with that. We think she’s pretty great.
Mom and Dad
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I’m George, a former classmate who has been in love with Elizabeth since high school. Since those days, I have gone on to travel the world, become a pilot, learn six and a half languages, have a guest role in Game of Thrones, and hang out with Bono and Tina Fey. I am also a real person. Just in case there was any question of that.
I first noticed Elizabeth because she is the coolest and the prettiest and the smartest and how could you not notice her? I mean, seriously. Despite what her siblings say, she is also really nice and not at all the evilest member of her family. After seeing her breakout role as the girl holding the cat puppet in “Witch of Blackbird Pond,” my feelings soon developed into something as real as I am. Because I am not fake, at all.
I expressed my undying love to Elizabeth, but unfortunately our love was not to be. In the end, she was just too much woman for me. I have continued to hold a torch for her all these years, even during the happy times, like playing water polo with William and Harry. They were both interested in her, too, but were intimidated by her good looks, even though she’s way too modest and demure to ever believe such a thing could be true.
In short, if you get to be her boo, you’re the luckiest man in the world. Know that if you ever harm her, I will come and use my very real black belt on you. For real.